The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Part 2: the Worrisome Days)

The worrisome days continued…

I kept on looking at my baby’s face until the time she had to go back to her incubator. It was heart-breaking moment everytime a nurse came and asked me to put her in her box to be moved to the incubator for her jaundice. Jaundice is indeed a common condition on newborns, and that fact which made me feel somehow calm, and was sure that it would pass soon.

The more the  baby latches on to his or her mom’s breast the more mother milk she will produce.

That was what I’d been reading and what all the nurses there in the hospital kept on telling me. I was suggested that I pump as well. I might not have been lucky that I had never produced so much milk that  I did not need to pump. Some friends said that pumping is actually less effective. I did try to pump for the sake of my baby who was in need of my mother milk to help her get rid of her jaundice.

Forgive me ‘sayang’ , Bunda’s mother milk was only this much ( less than 50 ml).

I had consumed breastfeeding tea, drunk a lot of water, ate well (in fact, the lunch menu served in the maternity hospital was great! the dinner was plain: German dinner) but still I could not produce more mother milk. I sensed it as my baby kept on crying one hour or less after I breasfed. I think producing mother milk is a matter of hormonal, I do not know for sure as of I am writing this.

I was desperate because my mother milk was not much whereas my baby needed a lot especially after being taken out of the incubator. I still remember the way she smelled soon she was  taken out of the incubator for drinks and diaper changes: she smelled machine, smelled like something burned. She got red all over, and the nurse kept on telling me that her jaundice would soon be gone. Soon as she was put on my breast, she latched on well, and drank like she had not drunk for days. She was drinking while she was closing her eyes. Only sometimes did she open her tiny eyes and look into my eyes. I melted, I cried. I stroke her hair and kissed her many times.  I touched her tiny fingers, and kissed them gently. For sometimes, the nurses let her be with me and sleep with me for they thought she needed to relax a moment.

It’d been a week that I stayed in the maternity hospital. The nurses started to get worried as it had been long already that she was put in the incubator. One time, a nurse asked me to put her in her incubator, I was shaking for I needed to put eye protector on her so that the light would not damage her eyes. She was kicking here and there, trying to let the eye protector go.

Sayang, it will be dark for a moment, and it will be warm there, but you will sleep well, and the next morning you can go home with us. I love you a lot.

Then I went out, she was crying. Yes crying in her incubator without my being able to hold her in my arms.

Time went on…..
I think it  was our 8th day in the hospital. One sunny morning in the warm summer of August, as we (my husband and I) were having breakfast with our baby next to us in her baby box, we got good news that the hospital would let us home:

It might bring a better effect for your baby. It would be stressful for her and for you both if you were here too long. Finally you all can go home today.

We went back home on foot. I decided  to hold my baby in my arms all the way home. It was warm and sunny. I was glad she was finaly home. Our home smelled a baby now! our baby!

The next morning…

As I opened the window, I saw the light coming in. I held my baby, and I was worried as she was still yellow. My husband and I decided to give her some light, not direct sunlight as it had been told by the nurses to get rid of the jaundice. My husband kept on calming me:

Don’t worry. She will be OK. She will have her first visit to a pediatrician tomorrow, she will be checked.

The appointment with the pediatrician..

The pediatrician took her blood, and had it sent for a check. He would notify us as soon as he got the result from the lab. I was waiting patiently at home, and praying that she would be okay. My baby was in a jaundice condition for long. I was rung by her pediatrician, and it was a bit of panicking voice. Well. maybe it was rather like a direct-command voice rathern than panicking.

‘ You have to go to the children hospital right now.’o

of course it was in German.

My husband was already at work, I was rather panic. I called him directly to come home immediately. We went to the ‘Kinderklinik’ or children’s hospital next to our room! thank God of the nearby location!My daughter was checked, and again she was being injected on her feet. It had been few times that I witnessed her feet being injected for a blood sample. In short, the pediatrician told us that her bilirubin was too high.

You are lucky because it is not too late. It can be dangerous if it is too. late. YOu need to stay in the hospital today.

I am proud of how the German pediatricians did all the test within some hours, and called us directly to ask us what to do. I do love the system here!

The Delivery

The days in the ‘Kinderklinik’ continued…

(to be continued)

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