Dying Young Finding Identity

Role Model

I look at you as you are perfect

Would that be a disaster?

This isn’t a story about myself, yet I used “I” to emphasize that this is my opinion as I don’t want to call myself as an expert of what is actually going on, because I am not. I don’t have psychology background, therefore I dare use “I”. This blog I wrote is inspired by teenagers that end up dying because of their ignorance  of what a role model is.

None is perfect, but trying to close to being perfect is not a crime, is it? When I was a little I used to have a role model whom I think was perfect. Perhaps I was in the stage of finding my own identity? Then on the process of learning how I was and who I was. I acted like, say, Ms. X with her bad side and the good side- well I considered her being a perfect figure, so I wouldn’t even notice her bad sides, that makes sense right?. I pretended to be like her, but the more I did that the more I felt uncomfortable with myself. People started to whisper behind me, sadly they whispered so loud tone of voice that I could hear what they said :

“ Don’t you think you are like Ms. X?”

“Ah, that’s cool you act like Ms. X and you even speak like the way she does.”

“I never like Ms. X, and you act like her, now I am starting to dislike you.”

Two opposite comments that confused me whether I had to go on acting like Ms. X or stop doing it for good. I felt at ease when I heard how cool I was being told like Ms. X. I felt like a little closer of gaining my self-confidence, then I said to myself

“People like me! Yay, they do.” Jigging happily.

I felt mad, sad and bothered when people started to dislike me not because of what I did, but it was because of the way I became like another person. Then I started to question Ms. X,

“Hmm, they said I was bad because I was like Ms.X.”

Wherever I went, the placard Ms. X didn’t seem to let myself go, because I was used to being her, and people voiced their opinions about me being like Ms. X louder and louder, soon I became like living behind someone else’s shadow, and I wanted to break free. I slowly started to break free when a comment was sent to me, say my B.

“ You speak like Ms. X-that’s not so elegant, you know. Do you know Ms. Xx ? she is better than Ms.X.”

I felt lost! What? Where was I? between Ms. X and Ms.Xx?. I felt uncomfortable being compared. All of sudden I stroke back confidently ,

“I am neither X nor Xx.”

My B was shocked and asked , “Then why do you act, speak like Ms.X?”. I lost my words …

“Well,…” didn’t know what to say to fill the gap, then another discussion brought up to change the subject.- that was the turning point! I set myself free from the placard I was bringing after all this time. The more I grew up the more I realized the fact that the position of so-called perfect role model should only be a booster for me to find who I am. I should never let her or him take control of my life. Those perfect role models should stand beside me.

To find my ID, I need to fall to know how I really am. To me, to fall doesn’t mean to fail; it is just one of the steps I must encounter to succeed.

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me I may not follow. Walk beside me and be my friend.” Albert Camus.

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2 responses to “Dying Young Finding Identity

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